Breaking Hearts?

So, it seems I'm actually pretty neat. Unfortunately, I can't find the time for myself these days to go out and meet new people and start anything romantically. I really can't seem to make myself even try. The thought makes me want to curl up in a ball in my room and stay there for a week.

I'm sure this is something I should see a therapist about. Ha!

I'm sure there are a lot of things I should see a therapist about.

I try a little. Sometimes I get bored and I go onto OkCupid.com and look around, read the nice e-mails guys send me telling me how I "sound just like them" or whatever. I'm sure. I'm also sure they're perfectly nice gentlemen, and very attractive to the right girl. I'm just not... I can't make myself want to be involved with a man romantically. At least, I can't seem to do that over the internet. And I seem to be pretty capable of convincing myself that I don't need to be involved with any of the men that I meet in real life. I'm sure I've got self confidence issues. (I know I do. I've dealt with them my entire life. My whole personality is BUILT on self-confidence issues.) The last time I was able to be self confident about myself was when I had lost a bunch of weight and truly felt really sexy. I know that I have to like myself for myself before anyone else will like me or find me attractive, and I think that's another big reason why I can't make myself want to try for anyone else.

I know I'll never be happy with myself being as large as I am. Hell, it makes life difficult, even beyond the societal issues.

For instance:

It's so hard to find cute clothes that fit properly. I happen to be built somewhat triangularly, with a defined waist and rather fantastic hips. Because of this, it's almost impossible to find pants.

The problem lies in the fact that most large women are built like apples with legs. And therefor, most pants for overweight women are built mostly straight up and down. Which leaves me with about three inches of extra material poojing out behind me and exposing my undies to the air.

One of my main reasons for wanting to lose weight this time around is because I want to fit into my Aikido pants and have them be loose on me like they're supposed to be. I also want to remove a lot of the stress on my knees and back when I'm trying to do a move.

It's really embarrassing that I can't seem to get them to fit me properly.

Anyway...

I feel that if I can actually manage to lose the weight, I should feel better about myself and the things that I actually want to do will become much easier.

Aikido... will you save me?

Today:

Ate 1 subway sandwich, 1 dairy queen dessert, several bottles of water, 1 bottle of carrot orange juice. (it is delicious. Go check out Sobe's carrot orange juice, I swear)

No Aikido on Sundays. Tai Chi tomorrow for two hours.

We'll see how things go.

-Alyssa