Since I'm on a roll with my whining...

I thought I'd give everyone a piece of my mind about the motorcyclist who wanted to try to tell me what to do while I'm driving.

Picture this:

I'm driving along, and it's super heavy traffic. I'm in the HOV lane, because it turns into the exit lane in 20 feet. I need to exit. Suddenly, this motorcyclist pulls up next to me IN BETWEEN ME AND A HUGE TRUCK and matches my speed, regardless of whether I put on my breaks or speed up. The truck gets around me, but the motorcyclist keeps looking in the window - I'm thinking, wtf? why isn't he going on ahead? Is he trying to yell at me 'cause he almost got smushed 'cause he decided to floor it between two huge moving vehicles???

so he finally gets in front of me and he keeps looking behind at me (wtf? why isn't he watching the road?) So I keep making exaggerated "GO!" motions with my hand and mouthing the words "Just go!" at him over and over. And he starts giving me the Australian version of The Bird. And I'm like, "What? Why... What????"

Turns out, he was risking life and limb to tell me that I'm in an HOV lane and need to get over into the super-high-density traffic that's not moving or budging ONE inch. I think he didn't get the fact that I was trying to get to the exit.

*sigh*

What the hell is it with the vigilante motorists?

I also observed a man get OUT of his car at a stop light to SCREAM at the person behind him, who was on their Cell Phone the day before cell phones became technically illegal to talk on while in your car. Does he think he's helping? I don't get it.

If I were the girl in the car behind, I'd have flipped him off and continued talking on my cell phone. Just out of spite.

Anyway... Yeah, that's my rant.

Roommate's pissed at me.

Yep. Pissed off. Why?

I loaned her my car for a few weeks, and she left a bunch of crap in it. When I got the car back, I said, "Ok, I'm cleaning out my car now. You've got all your stuff out, right?"

She goes, "yep!" so I cleaned out the car. I threw out anything that didn't look important. Specifically, any papers that were crumpled up. I DID make a neat pile of things that were obviously important, and left them in my car or took them in.

However, I trusted her when she said she took all the stuff she needed out of my car.

This was over a week ago.

So.

Come today?

OMFG, I'm a horrible person and I get yelled at for throwing out the $1000 order that she had written on some dirty scrap of paper in red pen and crumpled up and threw in the back of my car somewhere.

Well, sheesh. if you were going to have important notes in the back of my car, that's NOT an OK filing cabinet. Especially when you KNOW I hate having trash in my car. Understand that it's going to get tossed out the second you tell me you have your stuff.

I'm not going to hang on to it for the hell of it.

Thank you.

What would I do if I won the lottery?

I know, old cliche... But really...

If I won the lottery (let's say 100 million) The first thing I'd do is pay off my student loans. Then I'd start talking to tax lawyers and such, so they could help me figure out how much Uncle Sam was going to take from me.

I wouldn't quit my job right away. First I'd go house hunting. I want a smallish place with a few acres of land. Maybe 40 acres. I really want to grow plants in my yard, berries intrigue me. I want to grow squash. I want big trees to relax under and some flat land to do Tai Chi on. I'd also probably sell my ol' Saturn and get a more fuel efficient vehicle... but not before a LOT of research. I'd like something that didn't use gasoline at all.

After the initial purchases, It'd be nice to just put the money away and let it build up interest, using it to supplement the funds I don't earn enough of with my job.

I might adopt a few Percherons. (the only horse I'd feel comfortable riding...) and maybe breed them? But only after I convinced some horse farm to let me help them out for a while so I could learn about horses hands on.

Internet information really doesn't cut it, considering horses are critters with personalities and intelligence, and no two horses have the same mannerisms.

... now I'm rambling.

I'd also continue to take Aikido classes and Tai Chi. I would also get health insurance. (yay!) and probably better car insurance.

oh yes, and probably write a living will.

Hm, yes. that is about as future-planning as I'm willing to go for some mythical thing that will never happen.

Breaking Hearts?

So, it seems I'm actually pretty neat. Unfortunately, I can't find the time for myself these days to go out and meet new people and start anything romantically. I really can't seem to make myself even try. The thought makes me want to curl up in a ball in my room and stay there for a week.

I'm sure this is something I should see a therapist about. Ha!

I'm sure there are a lot of things I should see a therapist about.

I try a little. Sometimes I get bored and I go onto OkCupid.com and look around, read the nice e-mails guys send me telling me how I "sound just like them" or whatever. I'm sure. I'm also sure they're perfectly nice gentlemen, and very attractive to the right girl. I'm just not... I can't make myself want to be involved with a man romantically. At least, I can't seem to do that over the internet. And I seem to be pretty capable of convincing myself that I don't need to be involved with any of the men that I meet in real life. I'm sure I've got self confidence issues. (I know I do. I've dealt with them my entire life. My whole personality is BUILT on self-confidence issues.) The last time I was able to be self confident about myself was when I had lost a bunch of weight and truly felt really sexy. I know that I have to like myself for myself before anyone else will like me or find me attractive, and I think that's another big reason why I can't make myself want to try for anyone else.

I know I'll never be happy with myself being as large as I am. Hell, it makes life difficult, even beyond the societal issues.

For instance:

It's so hard to find cute clothes that fit properly. I happen to be built somewhat triangularly, with a defined waist and rather fantastic hips. Because of this, it's almost impossible to find pants.

The problem lies in the fact that most large women are built like apples with legs. And therefor, most pants for overweight women are built mostly straight up and down. Which leaves me with about three inches of extra material poojing out behind me and exposing my undies to the air.

One of my main reasons for wanting to lose weight this time around is because I want to fit into my Aikido pants and have them be loose on me like they're supposed to be. I also want to remove a lot of the stress on my knees and back when I'm trying to do a move.

It's really embarrassing that I can't seem to get them to fit me properly.

Anyway...

I feel that if I can actually manage to lose the weight, I should feel better about myself and the things that I actually want to do will become much easier.

Aikido... will you save me?

Today:

Ate 1 subway sandwich, 1 dairy queen dessert, several bottles of water, 1 bottle of carrot orange juice. (it is delicious. Go check out Sobe's carrot orange juice, I swear)

No Aikido on Sundays. Tai Chi tomorrow for two hours.

We'll see how things go.

-Alyssa

304.0

Woo! a decrease!

Aikido in the morning for 1.5 hours, then a pecan chicken salad at TGIFridays, lots of water (omg, LOTS) and some icecream later in the day. Technically, that morning I was at 309. It helps that I'm on my period at the moment, so I'm losing weight from several sectors.

At Aikido, we have several different instructors. Until I get to know the schedule, I'll probably not quite know which sensei to expect when I go in to class. This morning and on Thursday, we actually had the same sensei - which was strange to us. ha! We also met someone who could only ever make it once a week.. I would cry if I could only make it once a week. This is one of those things that's extremely fun, even if I do sometimes flub up my forward roll when my shoulder gets tired and can no longer support my arm when I try to roll on it. heh..

-Alyssa

People don't believe me

When I tell them what I weigh. They tell me the scale's wrong. lol! I've had it verified independently with a couple different scales. Yes. I'm that heavy.

So I'm drinking a lot of water today and I had a half a cantaloupe for breakfast. Will I make it to lunch? I duno. I hope so. When I feel the urge of the vending machine, I'll post here instead.

I know no one reads this, but it's very therapeutic to think I'm admitting all this crap to people who are going to read it.

Maybe at lunch I'll divulge how I lost weight the first time.

-Alyssa

Ok, I know it's called "Aquariums" but...

Hell, what's really bugging me lately is weight.

I was tired of gaining weight back, but I hadn't owned a scale in over three years. So I bought one and omg... surprise! I'm at 307 pounds. what? I've never weighed that much and I'm still wearing size 22 pants! Once upon a time, I weighed 280 pounds and I wore size 26 jeans. So, what's different? I probably have more muscle mass this time around. But that's really no excuse for being "Morbidly Obese".

Luckily! I'm still very physically active. I just eat too much.

I was noticing today, after Aikido class, that I wasn't... "starving" but I was feeling "peckish". And I asked myself, "What do you want to eat?" and myself said, "I want Reese's Peanut Butter Cups! Like, a lot of them. Or a Dairy Queen Blizzard."

And I said, "hmmmm... that DOES sound good!" but then the smart section of my brain said, "No. Seriously, what the hell? Just no. That's NOT what we eat anymore! Remember? 307 pounds? You wanna die of a heart attack?" So I went to Subway and got a sandwich, but I'm still "peckish" - not at ALL hungry. in fact, I'm so full, I feel like I should throw up. But I still want to eat. Why is that? Am I stressed?

I should learn to do something else when I'm stressed, so I'm going to try blogging... Oya, and drinking water.

Lots of water.

What am I planning on doing to lose weight?

Well, while drastic surgery HAD crossed my mind (and re-crossed it, and circled around, and crossed it again...) I know I'm a healthy and active relatively young (27 years old this year) And I've been reading blogs of people who have lost a lot of weight, though the ones I've seen that have done it successfully had a surgery. *sigh*

I refuse to think negatively, however. I know I can do it, because I've done it before.

So - I'm in Aikido classes three days a week, and Tai Chi one day a week. The rest of the time, I rest. I have a bad shoulder and bad knees, so I like to keep them iced when I'm not using them actively...

I plan to give up chocolate. I LOVE it. I love it so much. But it has given me nothing but pounds to carry around and that's not a very good relationship, is it? So this is it, Chocolate. I'm breaking up with you. I know we've been together for a very long time, but I'm publicly breaking up with you now. I'm sorry, I'm sure you'll find someone else. It's not you, it's me. Well, it's you, in me that's the problem.

There.

Now I gotta break up with Soda.

Taaaaa for now.

-Alyssa